Ok, so its not every day that I have a story idea come to me which would allow its author to touch on such interesting and diverse topics as Apartheid, Cannon Films, low-budget 80’s action movies, racism, bad acting and marginally talented pretty boy performers with high principles and naivite, but it would seem that today is that day. Seriously, reader, I feel chosen not blessed!
I heard the calling, as we spiritual soothsayers refer to it, while watching a marathon of all four installments of the classic “American Ninja” series, a movie franchise originally offered to none other than noted martial arts thespian Chuck Norris who, for once in his distinguished acting carreer at least, made a wise decision and politely turned them down (like, for WHAT? Delta Force 8? Force 5 12? What else was he doing in the fucking mid 80’s?). One of the few advantages to the appification of all media is that, with their supernumerary proliferation, there’s practically guaranteed to be a lack of good available content somewhere, and if you’re a fan of mediocre to bad content from the past, someone, somewhere, at one of these streaming services, will do a marathon of something you will like, or at least remember.
I remember clearly my first brush with the American Ninja franchise. Some dude. Can’t remember: “Dude, you got to see that shit, dude! He cuts dude’s whole head off with, like, a fucking scimitar or some shit! Dude, the blood shoots like twenty feet in the air and shit, dude!”
When I actually got around to renting the VHS tape and saw it for myself, two things happened: 1) I was severely disappointed in the special effects with the whole head severing scene, and 2) I became an instant Cannon Films fanatic, voraciously consuming, shall we say, Cannon’s entire cannon? (I’m sure someone had that lame joke years ago but I’m too fucking lazy to look it up. If you read this and its yours, congratulations I guess.) And although I came to the conclusion eventually that American Ninja was no Deathwish 3 or 4, that series would always hold a special place in my heart as my initial gateway drug into a new and awesome world.
I watched Ninja 2 (on VHS), even when the box office wasn’t half of the original, even when Cannon provided the services of none other than Jimmy Page for the Deathwish 3 soundtrack and, um, apparently hired the third Best Boy Grip’s uncle for the Ninja 2 soundtrack. Even with cheaper effects, somehow even less-realistic looking blood and fight scenes, yours truly stuck around! I, Dudikoff, and Steve James.
And of course, whenever discussing the Ninja-verse, one must at least pay token attention to the franchise’s third installment, “American Ninja 3: Blood Hunt.” Um, so yeah, what were we talking about? I mean wadayou want from me? I mean, yeah, they might’ve filmed it in South Africa during, well…Ya’ know! And, allegedly, Cannon Films might’ve made the decision to film there because of the heavy subsidies and breaks which the Apartheid government there was willing to provide them. Are YOU without original sin, dear reader? How dare you stand in judgement of practically half of the most formative years of my childhood! So, ok, the owners of Cannon Films were dirtbags! So what? The modern world was built on the backs of dirtbags, moralistic, better-than-I reader! Who among us hasn’t taken a few dollars from an obviously questionable source? I mean, it would seem as if modern conservative mass media were built upon little else! #showharddriveb4judgement!
The point of this uncomfortable nostalgia trip would be to note that 1) Ninja 3 sucks harder than all of them, 2) Dudikoff turned it down, 3) Steve James didn’t, and they STILL didn’t make him the new American Ninja even after Apartheid Dudikoff shit the bed in 3, because 5) they of course brought back the white pretty boy with marginal acting skills to do Ninja 4, even though he bailed on the franchise and James was the loyal soldier!
Whew! I feel as if there were multiple lessons in the above paragraph; you know, like racism, greed, loyalty and lack of reciprocity, twilight capitalism, and the utter and complete shittiness and phony-ness of the entire filmed entertainment industry. I feel like a better writer would be teasing lessons out of said juicy, one-sentence paragraph about now. Feels.
I’m honestly more interested in what happened to budget Apartheid Dudikoff after 3. He was a slightly less awful actor than Dudi, but not as good at fight choreography. Does an audition tape exist of Apartheid Dudikoff’s trying out for some daytime soap opera or something? Does he list Ninja 3 on his resume, or whiteout? No I won’t look him up and no I don’t want to hear anything.
But I can definitely tell you, dear reader, where he WON’T be seen, and that’s anywhere near a modern, totally not racist or apartheidy film set, and particularly near the set of The Expendables 5. That honor should go to the very anti-Apartheid, the original Sgt. Joe Armstrong, Mr. Michael 4-very-punchable-names Dudikoff, jr., for fortuitously having turned down that ignominious role.
And Steve James isn’t around anymore, so Cannon couldn’t make good with him if they wanted to. For all your Apartheid bullshit, Cannon, James should’ve had the starring role in 4, he was clearly angling for it, he even crossed Apartheid lines to show loyalty, and you racist motherfuckers still couldn’t find a way to give him the starring role he wanted with a sub $1 million budget? Shame! And oh yeah, shame for all that Apartheid stuff too. Not good! And of course I’m still watching everything made by Cannon ever because I’m not much better than you if I’m soul searching. Fuck you!
At least James got that role in “I’m Gonna Git U Sucka!” Maybe there’s justice in this world after all! One can hope. Or not, you could totally do that to.